really don't think today is going to be good.


i complicate.

today (about two minutes ago) a favorite shirt of mine that has been missing from my life for several months appeared in the monster house free pile. & that is a GOOD-ASS FEELING.

in other news, today i finally attached the friendship bracelet i made for myself on myself. it matches the shirt.

i also have a runny nose, and sometimes i like talking on the phone.

so, in response, i ruin more things, and hurt more people. great fucking job.

moving into the new house, but not allowed to stay here until the 3rd. it's really nice here. sitting on the porch and wishing i had some coffee to sip on. there are trees here and my room feels absolutely perfect. don't know what to do with the cats. woke up in a pretty interesting way this morning. life is too weird to take sometimes and i'm just always doing the silliest things. oh, fucky.

i guess i will probably never change, and i doubt you'd ever understand. sorry.

sometimes it just feels great to walk around the house in a shirt, bearing the metal DELAY patch, and your underwear. especially after a nice, full, pretty darn swell day:


-started out practicing some songs for a band practice planned for later in the day.
-got dressed, brushed teeth (had brushed the night before. a rare occurrence. felt great.) wore a good pair of socks.
-went to monster house and snuck up on andy gardner. drank some rj-made coffee and bugged a.g.
-walked to chipotle and sat and watched friends eat. one friend being someone i hadn't spoken to for about two months until the night before. nice feeling.
-stopped in the head shop and laughed at a fake two-headed demon baby. plans to recreate a drawing of a pot leaf smoking five different joints were made.
-got back to monsty and got free clothes from pat, including before-mentioned striped DELAY-patched t-shirt.
-went on a friend hangout-time walk. one activity enjoyed was a 5-minute long jog, which is something i haven't accomplished probably since 7th grade. almost got a charlie horse 15 minutes later. had good talks and ended up feeling a lot better about some really stressful things. smiled & laughed a very good amount.
-ended up back at monster and goofed around with richard and co. til LYY practice.
-LYY practice. rj said i was more prepared than he expected. we are playing a show on the 27th. i am exxxccciiiiteddd.
-walked with amanda b. to 7/11 and purchased doritos called '3RD DEGREE BURN'. scary. they were good.
-hung out for a bit, then worked on finishing a tape i have been working on for a good two weeks. 90 minutes is a lot of tape to fill up. worth it, though, in the end. especially when the person you're giving it to thinks that that's awesome. exchanged good gifts and a truly good hug.
-said goodbye and biked home with a very-full bag of exciting new things. got home and read a little and drew a little & listened to songs. felt better about so many things.


& i still do. thanks, today.

made some things yesterday.

what a nice feeling.

NICE & QUIET.

(found paper, collage, pencil, tape; on cardboard)


I DON'T WANT NOBODY, BABY.

(puff paint, marker, pen; on cardboard)


BOYFRIEND STATUS.

(collage on found book back)

here's more art crap: FLICKR !

>>-------->

(not in the sense that i really desperately need you,
but in the sense that i just don't really want to want anyone anyways.)

DISCO MUSIC.

if i can't have you,
i don't want nobody, baby.

that shit fucking hurt. i loved; you love. i still love what i loved but not what you love. this shit fucking hurts. these things can really hurt. when does it stop?

MAKIN' IMPOR'NT STUFF.

just walking sometimes can solve a lot. i always tell myself to go on more walks. i'm telling you now also: go on more walks.

where is it?

sitting here thinking about moving into some cabin somewhere nice. some thing to fix up and make a home. wish there were claimable ramshackle cabins in the middle of columbus. oh well.

loving friends, finishing roof art, having good talks, feeling at home, leaving for boston, feeling weird about everything.
but also feeling okay about things.
and that's really really nice.

the things i think will make me happy just aren't working out anyways, so why do i bother?
what a weird string of days.

i could only stand and watch you bike away. you stumbled, my stomach felt sicker; your legs moved in time to what i wish was some kind of wistful parting soundtrack, and then you were gone.

trying not to be scared of saying, "i love these people and i want this to last."
always had a fear of jinxing, so i've always tried to stay away from absolute statements.
always try to repeat wishes in a similar fashion if they've worked in the past.
repeating and reciting things like "this will work, this will stay, i can keep this", but never saying it out loud for fear it will hear and run away.
well, i am realizing that it makes no difference. things will stay or not stay or go away or you will lose them no matter what.
so i am saying: "i love these people, and i want this to last for a long, long time,"
and then i feel scared.