FUCK
YES.

>>>>>>>>>>

.

i spent a few days on a farm with rj in rutland, ohio. it was nice to not be in columbus and to not have to think about everything going wrong. it made me just want the things that i can't have right now, like a truck and a little house where i could go when things get too unbearable. it is mostly unexplainable the way that place made me feel, but i can say that it felt good. driving into town to use the computer or get cellphone reception or to just pass the time, running through a field with two dogs by your side, and not expecting or be expected to do anything but the few chores assigned to you and everything else just being open and free to you to take in as you wish. whatever, it's romanticized and it always will be, but there's no other way to explain it. it just felt nice. i didn't really want to leave, because i knew i would get home and just sit here thinking like i am and feel badly again like i am right now.

but at least i'm listening to the sidekicks.

i don't know if i can do this.

things are going to get worse before they get better. i need to just distract myself so i can give time and space a chance to do something, if it can. no guarantees, i guess, but this way i've been dragging all over you and suffocating you with just isn't working. i guess i don't have any other choice than to just let whatever is gonna happen happen. whatever the result, i can't imagine it being any worse than it is now. if it is, i don't know what i'll do. the irony of this whole thing is that i had exactly what i wanted and have wanted for so long within close reach, and i had no fucking idea. and now i might have lost it completely. and it's all my fault.

and maybe you really will just give up. then what will i do?

i should have just kept holding on.

THINGS, GET GOOD. PLEASE. THANK YOU.

i am strong and good if i want to be. i can radiate beauty and light on my own. i don't need anyone's shoulders or arms or hands to feel okay about myself or my life. i can grow and live and breathe steadily if i just hold onto this home and my own heart and the people i love. it will be okay.
slow down, sit still, and feel what you're feeling.

ail jus wate 4 u.

i fucked things up.

IS THIS ENDING

look, i know that i spend money on the wrong things, and i let mostly everyone down, but i just need a little help.
i got a job. a terrible one, but it's something at least to hold me over.
things are only going to get worse before they get better, but i have to keep telling myself that it's worth it.


i need you, friends.

everything is okay.
i am just panicking.
i think things will be really different and really tough sometimes, but it's okay.

double-hugz.