things are going to get worse before they get better. i need to just distract myself so i can give time and space a chance to do something, if it can. no guarantees, i guess, but this way i've been dragging all over you and suffocating you with just isn't working. i guess i don't have any other choice than to just let whatever is gonna happen happen. whatever the result, i can't imagine it being any worse than it is now. if it is, i don't know what i'll do. the irony of this whole thing is that i had exactly what i wanted and have wanted for so long within close reach, and i had no fucking idea. and now i might have lost it completely. and it's all my fault.

and maybe you really will just give up. then what will i do?