i'm not cut out for this shit.

THIS SOUNDS REALLY NICE.

"Farm for sale, 185 Ridge Rd, Robbinston Maine $150,000


DownEast farm with a beautiful view of Passamaquoddy Bay! The farm includes a farmhouse with 3 large bedrooms, 1 1/4 bathrooms, wood stoves (approx 8 cord of dry, split, stove length firewood included), oil fired forced hot air heat, and a drilled well. Outbuildings include a single car garage with attached heated workshop, a large, solid barn with hay loft, and a 60 acre lot with lots of prime woodland with hunting and fishing opportunities.

House sq ft: 1400 Garage sq ft: 660 Barn sq ft: 1000
Basement: poured cement floor, stone foundation (house)
Heating: Hot air oil and wood stoves (house), wood stove (workshop)
Lot size: 330 ft x approx 1.5 mi (60 acres) Cleared: 6 acres Wooded: 50+ acres
Well: drilled
Bedrooms: 3, 2nd floor
Bathrooms: 1 full (toilet, tub, shower, sink) 2nd floor, 1 quarter (toilet only) 1st floor

This is the perfect location for someone with horses or other animals, organic farming or homesteading, or just enjoying the beauty of DownEast Maine!"

GIVE ME BACK AUGUST 23RD 2010,


before this hurt.

just because you want something doesn't mean that you can have it.

there's a light in the morning.

TIGERS JAW - SPIRIT DESIRE.

""""'''''''''''""""'''''''''""""""""

you can call me when you wanna call.

leading me back to you.

there is a sweet ringing sound. i messed up the words on the cover part. sorry. this is everything happening right now.




hard to be okay. sorry.

maybe i will just have to hold onto how perfect things were. maybe that's all i'm going to have.

FUCK
YES.

>>>>>>>>>>

.

i spent a few days on a farm with rj in rutland, ohio. it was nice to not be in columbus and to not have to think about everything going wrong. it made me just want the things that i can't have right now, like a truck and a little house where i could go when things get too unbearable. it is mostly unexplainable the way that place made me feel, but i can say that it felt good. driving into town to use the computer or get cellphone reception or to just pass the time, running through a field with two dogs by your side, and not expecting or be expected to do anything but the few chores assigned to you and everything else just being open and free to you to take in as you wish. whatever, it's romanticized and it always will be, but there's no other way to explain it. it just felt nice. i didn't really want to leave, because i knew i would get home and just sit here thinking like i am and feel badly again like i am right now.

but at least i'm listening to the sidekicks.

i don't know if i can do this.

things are going to get worse before they get better. i need to just distract myself so i can give time and space a chance to do something, if it can. no guarantees, i guess, but this way i've been dragging all over you and suffocating you with just isn't working. i guess i don't have any other choice than to just let whatever is gonna happen happen. whatever the result, i can't imagine it being any worse than it is now. if it is, i don't know what i'll do. the irony of this whole thing is that i had exactly what i wanted and have wanted for so long within close reach, and i had no fucking idea. and now i might have lost it completely. and it's all my fault.

and maybe you really will just give up. then what will i do?

i should have just kept holding on.

THINGS, GET GOOD. PLEASE. THANK YOU.

i am strong and good if i want to be. i can radiate beauty and light on my own. i don't need anyone's shoulders or arms or hands to feel okay about myself or my life. i can grow and live and breathe steadily if i just hold onto this home and my own heart and the people i love. it will be okay.
slow down, sit still, and feel what you're feeling.

ail jus wate 4 u.

i fucked things up.

IS THIS ENDING

look, i know that i spend money on the wrong things, and i let mostly everyone down, but i just need a little help.
i got a job. a terrible one, but it's something at least to hold me over.
things are only going to get worse before they get better, but i have to keep telling myself that it's worth it.


i need you, friends.

everything is okay.
i am just panicking.
i think things will be really different and really tough sometimes, but it's okay.

double-hugz.

really don't think today is going to be good.


i complicate.

today (about two minutes ago) a favorite shirt of mine that has been missing from my life for several months appeared in the monster house free pile. & that is a GOOD-ASS FEELING.

in other news, today i finally attached the friendship bracelet i made for myself on myself. it matches the shirt.

i also have a runny nose, and sometimes i like talking on the phone.

so, in response, i ruin more things, and hurt more people. great fucking job.

moving into the new house, but not allowed to stay here until the 3rd. it's really nice here. sitting on the porch and wishing i had some coffee to sip on. there are trees here and my room feels absolutely perfect. don't know what to do with the cats. woke up in a pretty interesting way this morning. life is too weird to take sometimes and i'm just always doing the silliest things. oh, fucky.

i guess i will probably never change, and i doubt you'd ever understand. sorry.

sometimes it just feels great to walk around the house in a shirt, bearing the metal DELAY patch, and your underwear. especially after a nice, full, pretty darn swell day:


-started out practicing some songs for a band practice planned for later in the day.
-got dressed, brushed teeth (had brushed the night before. a rare occurrence. felt great.) wore a good pair of socks.
-went to monster house and snuck up on andy gardner. drank some rj-made coffee and bugged a.g.
-walked to chipotle and sat and watched friends eat. one friend being someone i hadn't spoken to for about two months until the night before. nice feeling.
-stopped in the head shop and laughed at a fake two-headed demon baby. plans to recreate a drawing of a pot leaf smoking five different joints were made.
-got back to monsty and got free clothes from pat, including before-mentioned striped DELAY-patched t-shirt.
-went on a friend hangout-time walk. one activity enjoyed was a 5-minute long jog, which is something i haven't accomplished probably since 7th grade. almost got a charlie horse 15 minutes later. had good talks and ended up feeling a lot better about some really stressful things. smiled & laughed a very good amount.
-ended up back at monster and goofed around with richard and co. til LYY practice.
-LYY practice. rj said i was more prepared than he expected. we are playing a show on the 27th. i am exxxccciiiiteddd.
-walked with amanda b. to 7/11 and purchased doritos called '3RD DEGREE BURN'. scary. they were good.
-hung out for a bit, then worked on finishing a tape i have been working on for a good two weeks. 90 minutes is a lot of tape to fill up. worth it, though, in the end. especially when the person you're giving it to thinks that that's awesome. exchanged good gifts and a truly good hug.
-said goodbye and biked home with a very-full bag of exciting new things. got home and read a little and drew a little & listened to songs. felt better about so many things.


& i still do. thanks, today.

made some things yesterday.

what a nice feeling.

NICE & QUIET.

(found paper, collage, pencil, tape; on cardboard)


I DON'T WANT NOBODY, BABY.

(puff paint, marker, pen; on cardboard)


BOYFRIEND STATUS.

(collage on found book back)

here's more art crap: FLICKR !

>>-------->

(not in the sense that i really desperately need you,
but in the sense that i just don't really want to want anyone anyways.)

DISCO MUSIC.

if i can't have you,
i don't want nobody, baby.

that shit fucking hurt. i loved; you love. i still love what i loved but not what you love. this shit fucking hurts. these things can really hurt. when does it stop?

MAKIN' IMPOR'NT STUFF.

just walking sometimes can solve a lot. i always tell myself to go on more walks. i'm telling you now also: go on more walks.

where is it?

sitting here thinking about moving into some cabin somewhere nice. some thing to fix up and make a home. wish there were claimable ramshackle cabins in the middle of columbus. oh well.

loving friends, finishing roof art, having good talks, feeling at home, leaving for boston, feeling weird about everything.
but also feeling okay about things.
and that's really really nice.

the things i think will make me happy just aren't working out anyways, so why do i bother?
what a weird string of days.

i could only stand and watch you bike away. you stumbled, my stomach felt sicker; your legs moved in time to what i wish was some kind of wistful parting soundtrack, and then you were gone.

trying not to be scared of saying, "i love these people and i want this to last."
always had a fear of jinxing, so i've always tried to stay away from absolute statements.
always try to repeat wishes in a similar fashion if they've worked in the past.
repeating and reciting things like "this will work, this will stay, i can keep this", but never saying it out loud for fear it will hear and run away.
well, i am realizing that it makes no difference. things will stay or not stay or go away or you will lose them no matter what.
so i am saying: "i love these people, and i want this to last for a long, long time,"
and then i feel scared.

in the spaces between the things i'm trying to say,
the inside of my head is echoing a thick sound back and forth from ear to ear. it starts sounding a lot like that dark tunnel we stood in and yelled nonsense into.
it slowly starts to form into words, so i listen & try to make sense. but then it just starts buzzing and clicking again.
eventually i've been silent for too long, so i just say "i don't know", and put my head down on the table.

BEREA FEST TOMORROW! SEE YOU THERE!?

AN BAND.

i just wrote three songs for a band i want to start. sappy, cheesy, simple (i guess pop-punky) songs about dumb shit. fun?

mess mess mess messy messes.

how do i get into these messes? there's just nothing i can do.
it's almost as if i'm trying to.
how can a person not know what they want so much of the time?
how can i love so many, but barely love myself?
i keep giving so much to this little heart of mine, but she keeps taking and taking until i have nothing left to give.
i'm tired of hurting the ones who only try to love me.
why can't i just stop feeling so much all of the time?
so, i'm sorry for crying and trying to explain;
though i could never tell you just exactly why i am this way.
or how i get into these messes;
i wish i knew myself.
please forgive me,
although i ask that way too much.

new release soon!

within the next couple of months, i'm planning on putting out a new release, most likely in cd form, of music that i've written within the past few years. it will be my first release in about a million years, and it will only be my second release of all time. nice.
as of now, i only need to record three more songs, which my friend richard(his bloggue here) has so kindly offered to help me with. i have a pretty good idea of what the art is going to be like, but i still need to get some photo-copying done. also, trying to find a computer that will burn cds fast and well. wish i could get real cds pressed, but i have a gross lack of funds right now. oh well.
i will try to keep an update going on my progress of getting this thing done. hopefully i can make it happen. we'll see!

alone again.

this video was taken in maryland in the summer of 2009, on a really sweet tour down south with toby foster and ryan starinsky. it's ridiculous how many weird things happen in this video. okay, well, technically only three things, but it is still kind of odd.
i don't really play this song anymore, it bums me out.




i'm just going to post eight million things until no one wants to look at this anymore. !!!!

from the back porch.

well, since we're on the subject, this version of this song may never be released either. it was written in the summer of 2008, and was recorded in the fall of 2009.





(sorry about the pop at the beginning. my microphone was/is on the fritz.)

funny.

this song was written and recorded in fall of 2009, in columbus, ohio. this is a version of this song that is not going to be on my next release. how special (or something. i guess.)!!!





here's to romanticizing everything! it's what i'm best at.

i'm scared of losing you.

a song i wrote and recorded in columbus, oh, in the fall of 2009. it's currently on the 'shout out loud prints' tape compilation. more information here.

i don't know if it will matter.

this is a song i recorded in savannah, ga, in april of 2010. posting lyrics is always so weird because they are rhymey and silly. but whatever.


i thought about you today in this weather.
i thought about when things were better.
the shape of your back, oh, you were happy.
i really hope that you can forgive me.

if i don't see you sometime this year,
i'm sorry.
i hope you're smiling again; it kills me.
remember when we drove to ohio?
i just need your friendship, i won't let go.

(when i go see movies, i think of you.
in the dark of the theater, i wish you were there.
i'm trying to write you a letter,
but i don't know if what i say will matter.)




i suppose this is about a couple different people. it wasn't supposed to be, but that sometimes happens.

on packing and leaving a place that you love for someone else's sake.

put all the things back in their place.
dirty papers folding and unfolding once and a while;
i will put them tenderly away for now.
they will see walls someday, i hope.
but for now we must wait,
because i am going away again.


remember when i told you about the old hound dog
and the yard with the grass and the fence?
we'll be heading to a warmer place,
and i will turn away from all these warm faces.

i can't hold onto even this great anchoring place.

throwing away years of trudging,
but i cant throw away these pieces of scrap paper.
you wrote 'i love you' on the back of a picture
and you left it on my pillow.

when is the time when i will pin up all these pages?
the miles will show my age,
and i will feel restless again. i know,
but if i find it, i'm sure it will be like this;
this feeling of forgiveness for all that i've done.

i havent felt that in so long.

trying something new.

the only thing i can say about this is that i used to write a lot in a little thing called livejournal, but i feel as though the inaccessibility and dwindling number of people who use that has made it not as fun for me anymore. so, i'm giving this a shot. i guess it will not be as private, but i can deal with that.

trying to share dumb writings, pictures, bummer thoughts and other pointless shit that i sometimes just need to put down.

my name is maryn jones, and i live in columbus, oh.